Fifty Shades of Grey - E.L. James Ugh, ugh, ugh. I got this book on the assumption that it was terrible, but a funny kind of terrible. Instead, it was just all bad, all the time, to the degree where it is worrying, to quote Yahtzee Croshaw. So there's Anastasia Steele, a simpering simper-er. There Christian Grey, the cold, detached, asshole. Together they embark on the relationship of the century. The WORST relationship, that is. Let me get this out of the way. This is not proper Dom/sub conduct. This is abuse, plain and simple. I know the original story this was written off was also an abusive relationship, but that is no excuse.

There are at least three things wrong with this story, (more like a 1000) but I'll talk about 3.

1. The writing. This story is horribly written, and the characters are complete non-entities. I feel like I know my shoes better than these characters after 500 pages. It's just unengaging, boring, and nearly slipped me into a coma.

2. The sex. The sex in this book was entirely unerotic in ever way. I personally can write better erotica than this. First of all, she needs to find more euphemisms for genitalia. She uses "his/my sex" exclusively through the book, and it just sounds awful. Also, the during sex dialogue is hilariously bad. Anastasia uses "Arghh!" as her noise. This made me laugh, because generally 'argh' is used in situations like "Caitlin, you have a 2000 page paper due tomorrow", or "Caitlin, your senile grandma who forgets to wear clothing is coming on Saturday". In addition, she always says, "oh... please" Just please is fine. The 'Oh' makes it sound like a bunch of gossiping school girls "She's dating Derek? Oh, puh-leeze!"

3. The fanfiction thing. If anyone doesn't know, this was originally a Twilight fanfiction called "Master of the Universe" (He-Man, anyone?) Should this have been published? Not in my opinion. Don't get me wrong. I love fanfiction. I once read a fanfiction that had me in tears, with a dull ache in my heart. I myself write fanfiction, and in my humble opinion, this is PWP, or "porn without plot/point" Just loosely interconnected sex stories. I understand the want for this, but the lack of any real concrete plot makes this seem like this was written by a horny 15 year old.

All in all, awful. Just awful. I was hoping this would be a second strike of the "My Immortal" hilar-a-bad lightning. But Fifty Shades of Grey? bure like Fifty Shade of puke coloured wallpaper.